Three Decades Later...

I am quickly learning that this blog thing is not easy. Finding inspiration for posts, especially when I am not traveling much these days, has been challenging. As I paused recently to reflect upon my shameful neglect of this digital drop box of expression, I was struck by the realization that I have actually been "traveling" quite a bit, just not in a global way. Are you ready for this? We are going to be trudging through some heavy stuff in a minute, so lace up your boots! (I promise I won't make a habit of this!)



I am teetering on the brink of being thirty years old. And if I knuckle down this post will actually be published before that happens. From everyone I speak with, turning thirty is suppose to be this really big deal. And it is. But not because it marks the impending doom of some societal incendiary, slowly ticking down to zero on my allotted time to marry and have children. Thirty is important because it is another year, another chance to live life. We should never begrudge getting older, because it is not a privilege granted to everyone.

With each passing year I meet new people, with new perspectives, and new world views. I want to understand and validate them all, and keep myself open to all possibilities. However, many times the internal conflicts of opposing viewpoints get all mangled up in my head and it becomes harder to assuredly declare one more valid than the other. How do we maintain our convictions, if by doing so, we are excluding others? Is standing for something that others disagree with a testament to the strength your beliefs, or an indictment of others, or neither, or both? Ahh! Shut up brain!

Up to this point, my soul-searching self has been dedicated to understanding my own convictions and moralities within the world I lived. Developing a personal identity and sense of self is probably something everyone in their twenties goes through. We've been released into the wild and now we have to fight to understand our place in it. But what if, at the end of this decade of exploration, you find your world rocked because you realize that this journey presented more questions than answers. Did we fail in some fundamental way? Or did we achieve some truer and higher meaning that we don't yet understand?

So on the upcoming anniversary of my birth, I find myself standing at that nauseatingly saccharin cliché called a crossroad. And this is what I have discovered. I want to live my life defying the stereotypes demanded of me by my "labels". If I want to change, I'll change... and hope that my friends and family will still see the me in me; and I hope I will always do the same for them. If I could be granted one birthday wish this year, it would be for the bravery required to truly and fully live out this mantra.



Do you ever finding yourself pausing in the middle of another ordinary day and asking yourself, when was the last time I took a risk? When was the last time I took a leap of faith? What is my purpose and am I working towards that? WHAT IS THE MEANING OF LIFE!?! 

Whoa, whoa, whoa... reel it in kiddo! Take a breath and bring it back down.

Sorry... got a little carried away there. Surely such a reaction is dramatic, but my intent is sincere. I don't think I am risk-adverse, but my brain tends to process opportunities like an endless domino effect of scenarios. If I do this, this and that may happen. But then this won't and then twenty years from now I won't be able to do this. I try to write the script before it happens so I can be prepared. And it has served me well for most of my life; keeping me from having to deal with the fallout of rash and impetuous decisions. But yet, here I stand, feeling like I am missing out on some important truth.



So what to do about it? They say that the first step to healing is to admit the problem. But after that we need a direction to help us in our forward progress. I know I am blessed because I have many incredible people in my life fully dedicated to such a path. Friends and family, old and new, who show me the hope and joy of being an optimist, and believing wholeheartedly that it will all work out in the end. I draw strength from their strength and courage from their convictions. I try to understand their journey, so mine may be inspired by them. They allow me to ask for help and I allow for their thoughts, opinions and experiences to filter through me, helping to shape, change or mold my view of the world. And I try to share what I have gone through, so as to reciprocate their gifts to me.

Three decades on this earth is an incredible gift. Moving into the next, I hope to take all of these ramblings and begin a process of refinement, so I may better serve my fellow humans and my purpose on this earth. This path, which so many of us are on, will undoubtedly be strewed with sign posts reading, "Enlightenment Not Guaranteed" or "Turn Back, Impending Failure Ahead". But you know what, we still need to walk it. We can defy apathy and ignorance by listening, discussing, questioning and sharing all the things we encounter with each other; then we can breathe life into these ideas with our actions. There is still so much to discover and explore, and I want to invite you all to come along with me. I know I don't travel this journey alone, and I know I don't want to.

As final tribute for the blessings of my last three decades, I want to send all my love and thanks beyond articulation to those of you who have been on this journey with me, at whatever point along the road. I owe you everything.